La Push Kush
by KStewsBrownSugr
Summary: Bella has trouble with her monthly visitor. What happens when she realizes The Cullens are up to no good with her cure. O/S. CRACKFIC at its best. Human Bella. Vampire Cullens. Minor drug use. Rated M for language.


**A/N: So I'm trying this out again. My Beta was busy so don't go all English Teacher on me. Just go with it. We're all adults, so if you don't agree with drug use, oh well. Enjoy**

**We all know this all belongs to Stephanie Meyer. So stop asking for my autograph...**

**NOW READ!**

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The entire population of Forks was so exuberantly happy today. Except, of course, for me, Bella Swan. Sunny days meant no sparkly vampire boyfriend, best friend Alice or even Jasper. Well, I guess Jasper was family but the fucker tried to eat me once and well, that's kinda something you don't just let slide.

Plus Aunt Flo was here. My cramps had turned me into a raging bitch. Kind of like Victoria used to be.

Maybe my vampire family had rubbed off on me, cause I had the urge to rip Newton's head off and shove his testicles down his throat when he sat too close to me at lunch. I explained to Jessica and Angela it was "Shark Week," and the hormones were at full blast. They understood and excused my behavior immediately.

I just wanted to head home and hit some of the "La Push Kush" Jacob had scored for me. Man, those Native Americans and their ceremonies were a gift from the Wolf Gods or wherever the fuck they descended from. Jake told me the story but no one ever listened to him. He's just like a yappy little dog that won't shut up and go away.

So imagine my surprise when I got home and my stash was gone!

Couldn't have been Charlie. Pops was the Chief of Police. Plus I put it in my underwear drawer and he would NEVER go in there. Edward and his century old grandpa ways wouldn't even think of touching my chonies. He knew about the smoke and understood because he never liked to see me in pain. Score one for the witty stoner!

"_FUCKINGSHITDAMMIT_!"

I was home alone so I just let loose. Like I had Tourettes or some shit.

"_FUCKYOURMOTHERSASS_"

"_TWATWAFFLEWITHSYRUP_"

"_THEROOFISONFIRE_!"

Like I said, Tourettes.

The strongest stuff in the house was some Motrin. Sure it would thin my blood. Maybe some internal bleeding. An ulcer a couple years down the road. But it would help with the pain for now. Until I got some more Bionic Chronic from Jacob, who was not answering his cell. He was probably off somewhere pissing on a tree or sniffing up someone's crotch.

Maybe going over to see Edward was not a good idea. They swore up and down that the smell of my "monthly visitor" as Esme put it, did not cause them any discomfort. Rosalie just snorted and gave me the bitch face. Maybe I could offer them my tampon and they could make a cup of tea? Do vampires even drink tea?

Just the thought of seeing my Edward was soothing. He could play his piano for me while I sat on the couch and relaxed.

So I took my Motrin with a glass of milk (like my pharmacist suggested) and headed over to the "Casa De Sparkle."

I rolled up on the driveway when I thought I heard some Sir Mix-A-Lot. Couldn't be. The Motrin must've been expired. I was surprised no one opened the door for me. Alice or Edward usually always beat me to it. I let myself in and immediately my nose was assaulted by the enticing aroma of...

"_MY_ _WEEEEEEEEED_!"

"_AW_ _HELL_ _NO_, _BITCHES_!"

Wait, vampires can't get high can they? It's impossible! But Edward got boners and that's not supposed to happen either. I walked further into the house and was shocked at what I saw.

They were all sitting around a big ass hookah in the living room and they didn't seem to notice me walk in.

"_What_ _in_ _the_ _50 Shades of fuck is going on in_ _here_?"

Seven pairs of toker red eyes looked up at me looking guilty as hell.

"_Welcome home_, _Isabella, we missed you_ _soooo_ _much_!" Rosalie stood up and gave me a bear hug.

**Tha** **fuck?**

"_Hey, Bella, how are you_?" Alice asked. She wore sweats and a wife beater.

**Tha fuck?**

"_Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit! Bella's here sonsabitches, woohoo! God Bless __America yee haw goddammit_!" Jasper hooted. I knew he was from the South, but still.

**Tha fuck?**

"_Bella, molto bene, mi casa es su casa, domo arigato Mr. Roboto and all that shizz. Come give Mama C a hug_!"

**Tha fuck?**

"_Bella, my Anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun! Cause I like big butts and I __cannot lie_..." Carlisle sang. I knew I heard Sir Mix-A-Lot.

**Tha fuck?**

"_Isabella, dear younger sibling. Welcome to our humble abode. Would you care for some tea? I __am about to curl up with a good book by the fireplace, if you would care to join me_?"

Emmett?

**Tha fuck?**

Oh God I don't even want to know what Edward had to say. But he moved over to me with a gleam in his eye that I had NEVER seen before.

"_Hello, Bellaaaaa._"

Sonamabitch, his voice was pure sex. Two words and my lil lady went Gaga..."I want your bad romance..." sang my hoo-ha.

"_Edward, can you please explain what the motherfuckingshit is going on here? I'm as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market_"

"_Isabella, you will watch that fucking language up in my mutherfucking crib. I will cut a bitch. __Respect my pad, hoe!_" yelled Esme.

"_Edward, NOW_!"

"_Bella, let _me _explain_," Emmett interjected.

"_For many generations, Marijuana, scientifically known as Cannabis Sativa, has been used __to treat all sorts of ailments. The main ingredient ,Tetrahydrocannabinol, better known as THC, has moderate analgesic effects, therefore used to treat pain. It helps with relaxation, alters vision, hearing, sense of smell, fatigue, stimulates your appetite. It also has antiemetic properties, and may also reduce aggression. __But for us, Marijuana helps overpower our extreme vampire instincts. The "_vampire_" in us __shuts down and lets us "_escape_" for a couple of hours."_

_"Why is it that I didn't know about your little "_escapes_?" I mean exactly how long has this been going on?" _I asked, puzzled.

_"Cause you bogart the fucking doob, ya douche. Don't you know it's puff puff pass? __With your selfish bitch ass it's just straight puff puff puff puff puff puff..." _ Esme growled.

_"Chill out, Esme," _Rosalie jumped in. _"You're being too harsh on Bella. She's my lovely little sister for chrissakes."_

"_Well Lil Sis needs to share up on that La Push Kush. That mutt weed is as hard to get as Lil __Eddie's pole wet..._.."

Giggles all around. Fucking stoners. Edward laughed too. He usually shied away from any kind of sexual talk. He had that goofed out burner grin. Which still made him fuckhawt.

"Pokerface, Pokerface.." was coming from inside my pants.

"_Duuuuuuuuuude, Maybe Bella can score us some bud from the mutts_."

I noticed Alice was now wearing a horrendous Ed Hardy t-shirt with some Spongebob slippers.

"_Alice, what happened to your taste in clothing? Prada, Gucci, Louis_?"

"_Bells, you know how cruel high school kids can be. I can't come out and let everyone in on __my love for Walmart. Falling Prices! Yay!_!"

There's a Walmart in Forks? Damn, and here I was buying grandma chonies at Newton's shop.

"_Bella, the real reason why we can't visit La Push is because well, we kinda smoked up all their crops. Even the sticks and stems and the bum weed that they were saving for the long winter months. All that shit about biting humans, total lie. We got a serious case of the munchies and didn't make it out of the reservation on time. Ephraim Black busted us eating rabbits and skunks mixed with some goats. Like I said, munchies. He told us to get the fuck off his rez and never come back. Said he wouldn't have enough shit to supply his house party next weekend with __Geronimo and Sitting Bull."_

"_So, Bella, you down to hook us up with some of the Dog Dank? Wolf Weed? Purple Puppy __Haze?"_

"_Cause we likes to be as high as a giraffe_s _nuts_," giggled Esme.

"_Sure. I guess. You guys will eat me if I don't. Isnt that right, Jasper?_"

Everyone busted out in laughter.

"_Bellers, you smell better than some of that good ol BBQ Texas armadillers Alice made me eat before heading up to them here woods. Shiiiiiiiit_. _Yeehaw. The South shall rise again. Steers and Queers. Sombitches..._..."

I strongly considered hanging up the pipe cause this shit was like Scared Straight. They put them kids in prison and let the convicts school them. I was being schooled by some old ass fucking vampires. I did not want to end up like this. This was kinda like hanging with The Rolling Stones.

Before I knew it, Edward had carried me up to his room.

"_Edward, you should've told me about your little habit."_

"_Ain't nothing little about me, baby" _His voice smooth as silk. "_Besides I didn't bring you up here to talk. I know you want some of my banana, you little spider monkey."_

Fuuuuuuck, I think I peed my pants a little.

"_Edward, you're higher than Rosie O'Donnell's cholesterol levels. Sex is NOT happening __tonight."_

"_Bella, walk your pretty little pasty ass over here to Daddy. I'm ready to bang you like a screen door during a hurricane_."

"_WOO HOO EDDIE BOY DONE LEARNED WELL FROM KING JASPER! GIT 'ER DONE!"_

Holy shit, I forgot the vampires downstairs had Scooby Doo ears and could hear everything_._

"_YOU CAN DO IT, PUT YER BACK INTO IT!"_ Carlisle sang.

"_LIKE A VIRGIN, TOUCHED FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME._." Alice wailed.

"_POP THAT COOTCHIE, POP POP THAT COOTCHIE BABY_.." Esme belted out inappropriately.

"_OOH YOU MAKE ME LIVE, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND..._..." Rosalie way off tune.

"_IMBECILES_!"

Yay Emmett! Finally someone has their shit together.

"_THE PERFORATION OF ISABELLA'S_ _HYMEN_ _SHOULD NOT BE CELEBRATED! IT WILL __MOST CERTAINLY BE PAINFUL AND SHE WILL MOST DEFINITELY HEMORRHAGE. __HER VAGINAL OPENING IS ENTIRELY WAY TOO SMALL FOR EDWARD'S FULLY ERECT __MEMBER!"_

I felt as embarrassed as that time I sharted in my 4th grade class from eating Renee's vegetarian chili.

The house shook from all their laughter. These damn stoner vamps. I wished their bladders worked, so they would all piss themselves from laughing at me.

I ran out of Edward's room, but he beat me down stairs.

"_Who's on munchie patrol?_" asked Edward

Just like that, he had forgotten that he wanted to park his beef bus in my tuna town.

Well, I can't blame him. The Munchies is a serious pothead issue. The Chili cheese tater tots from Sonics with mustard and Tabasco sauce was always my weakness. Or double stuffed Oreos with some chocolate milk thru a peanut butter cereal straw.

"_I have a hankering for some deep fried squirrel_ _nuts. Without the deep fry,_" Jasper hooted.

"_BLT Animal Style_," Rosalie chimed in.

"_You eat lettuce bacon and tomatoes when_ _you're baked_?" I asked remembering some of the crazy shit I've eaten while fried.

"_Nah B-Ninja, that's __**B**__ear, __**L**__eopard, and __**T**__iger for us."_

"_Yeah, keep up shawty_," Carlisle chuckled at himself.

"_Mama C wants a 40 ounce of the finest Elk Malt plasma you can find. Don't bring me any of __that weak ass Crazy Horse or MadDog blood. I'll bust a cap on your bitch ass, don't think I __won't."_

"_So that leaves Alice and Edward for munchie run. And make it quick, I'm starting to look at __Bella here as 'The Other White Meat'"_

Suck ass, Esme!

"_Oh no worries, I'm getting the hell out of here before things go all bat shit crazy. Get it, bats, __vampires?_"

Crickets...

No one laughed. Such an awesome joke gone to waste. Stupid leech bastards. Shit this is my future family. I should so rethink this. Stoner Cullens are crazier than The Kardashians. But sitting here watching them giggle like little girls and blitzed out their heads kinda gets mein the old ticker. They don't this all the time. And shit, who am I to judge? Nobody tried to eat me. Rosalie loves me. Esme is cool as hell. Well if she puts the Glock away. You can do this Isabella Marie Swan.

I think I can, I think I can ,I think I can...

Was the last thing I remembered. I sat up in my bed all sweaty and panicked. I was back at "Casa De Mustache." The sun was shining through my window. My phone alerted me that I had missed texts:

Edward. Edward. Alice. Edward. Alice. Alice. Edward...

"_Hey baby, I missed you last night, You must have turned in early. Sleep tight. Love You."_

"_Isabella Marie Swan! We had a shopping date yesterday you missed. I am not happy_."

What the hell?

I know Marijuana affected your memory, but not like next day! I dialed Edward immediately.

"_Well good morning Sleeping Beauty. Or is it Snow White? I get the two mixed up. Either way you are the fairest of them all."_

"_Cut the crap, Edward. You are in so much trouble for the hell you put me through last night!_"

"_Bella, what are you talking about? You stayed home last night. You said you had cramps so I __let you be. I had to force Alice to stay put. She's upset you missed your shopping date together."_

"_Bullshit. I went over your house last night and you were all hooked up to Billy Bong Thornton __smoking MY La Push Kush!_"

"_Bella, you're delusional. Did YOU smoke too much? Marijuana has no effect on us."_

"_But, Edward, you get boners, how is _that _possible?"_

"_Bella, don't start with the sexual talk please. You know how it emberasses me._"

I was in the fucking Twilight Zone. Maybe I took a trip to Oz? Just last night I was his Banana Eating Spider Monkey. Esme wanted to bust a cap off on my ass. Sir Mix-A-lisle sang to me. That's it, I give up smoking. The cramps I will have to control with Motrin. Midol. Maybe an enema. At this point I'll try anything.

"_Bella, are you still there?"_

"_I guess I just had a really crazy dream._"

"_Sounds like it, sweetheart. How about I pick you up and go to our meadow?_"

"_That sounds great, Edward, I can't wait to be alone with you. I really need you."_

"_I'll be there as soon as I can, Bella. But please try to control your hormones."_

"_See you soon, sexy."_

"_Goodbye, Isabella._"

Holy shit what a fucking wild dream. Stoned Vampires. Pothead Bloodsuckers.

I got out of bed to change for the day. I grabbed my jeans, T-Shirt, hiking boots, socks. And of course, clean underwear. I chose the pretty little blue boy chonies I was dying to show Edward, and noticed a strange object underneath.

A note?

"_B-Ninja, _

_Thanking your bitch ass for the dope chronic from last night. Love, Peace, and Hair_

_Grease. "_

_Laters Boo,_

_- Mama C_

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**This is what goes on inside my head while in the shower. I want to thank my half Beta. She went half way then said "This is AWFUL do not put my name on this!" I love you anyways HappyMess89. My Sunshine. **

** TropicalSorbet thanks for telling me this was not stupid even though it is. You lie soooo gooood.**

**The Real B-Ninja, you know who you are...**

**Follow me on the Twatter if you dare...**

** KStewsBrownSugr**

**Love you all, kinda...**

**-Brown**


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